Battle of Wits
by evergreen dryad
Summary: Natsu and Gray decide to fight it out this time with brains instead of brawn! Review please!


A/N: Yosh minna-san! ^_^ It's my first try at a fanfic after a long hiatus, so I may be a little rusty! I'd like to say that this is inspired by one of Absolutely Unsure's fics… and I hope I haven't imitated too much of it! =b And this was kinda random… it was an exam question in my English PMB revision book! (the 1st sentence) Thank God SPE's over now…Hope you like this!

Natsu: *gloomily*I feel ridiculous.

Gray: Ditto.

Dryad-chan: All right, it's time to start the story… so go!

Wendy: MATTE! *everyone halt* The disclaimer's vital!

Dryad-chan: Ah yes… arigato Wendy… but *frown* who started this fiasco of disclaimers? It's not like lawyers or the manga-ka are on the watch here.

All: *blink*

Virgo: *suddenly appearing* It is said by the law of license that it is illegal to use another person's characters for publishing.

Lucy: Huh? Virgo, how..? *sweat*

Dryad-chan: BUT this is Fanfiction! It's exactly for that purpose!

Virgo: *shrugs* Suit yourself. *disappears*

Dryad-chan: *sigh* We'd better do it, since everyone does it. *turns around* Who's doing it?

~crickets chirping~

Dryad-chan: *sweat* No one..? Fine, I'll do it this. Next time, you guys will have to do it. *deep breath* Fairy Tail, the anime/manga with its characters and places do not belong to me. They are by copyright, Hiro Mashima's, who is the author, artist and creator. All right, how's that?

All: *applause*

Dryad-chan: *bows* Now on with the story!

* * *

><p><strong>Battle of Wits<strong>

"We shook hands and said goodbye. I knew we would never see each other again."

Lucy Heartfilia stared at the wretched novel in her hands. "What? It ends like this? NO!" She couldn't help but scream shrilly, nearly deafening the poor Fire Dragon Slayer napping peacefully next to her. Those near her looked around to see what the malady was. A few spilled their drinks accidentally. Lucy tugged at her bangs unhappily, literally yanking out a few blonde strands of hair.

"What? What?" cried Levy McGarden, Lucy's best (girl) friend, as she rushed over. "Was the novel really bad? Didn't the two get together? What happened to them? Awwww, now I really don't feel like re-" Levy was rudely interrupted by a loud lamenting groan.

"Oh, don't start too Levy," muttered Natsu wearily as he massaged his temples. "Lucy's bad enough, but what with you two book weirdos you'd be at it forever bawling." He dropped his head back down on the smooth wood of the bar counter, yawning. Lucy and Levy both glared at him furiously. Lucy was just scheming how to piss him off when…

"I hate to say this, but I agree with the idiot," remarked Gray. "And…" "GRAY! Your pants!" Erza thundered. Gray jumped a foot high as if he'd been shot. "Again," remarked Cana drowsily as she downed the rest of the alcohol in the barrel. "Oh shit! Where did they go?" The ice alchemist searched frantically but his pants always "magically" disappeared anyway… From behind a pillar Juvia enjoyed the scenery with pink-tinted cheeks.

"Hn. Idiot." Gajeel snorted disdainfully while scratching Pantherlily behind the ear.

"Why on earth does this always happen? It's disgraceful." stated Carla with a peevish frown. She added, "Wendy might start getting ideas."

"CARLA!" cried out Wendy, flushing.

"Just put up with it. We've all tried and failed, and it's become quite a daily event now," said Mirajane reassuringly. "_Remember, Gray..?" _For a while, Mirajane's demon showed in its holy terror in her evil grin. Everyone trembled (except Erza) and Gray gulped in that painful remembrance.

"_A daily event?" _Carla resumed the subject, her right eye twitching.

"Aye! Carla, would you like a-"

"NO."

Happy walked away, dejected. One could see it from his dark aura. Poor guy, he's really got it bad…

"I think you're being mean with him, Carla. Give him a chance," Wendy said, feeling sorry for Happy.

"I'm not giving he-cat false hope," said Carla, scoffing.

Gray was still hunting high and low for his elusive clothes.

"Oh, the stripper's so blind he can't find them! We should organize a treasure hunt! Come one, come all! Whoever finds it gets 100,000 J!" Natsu yelled with his usual mischievous grin. Apparently, Gray's little misfit had woken him up.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?" shrieked Lucy, her eyes as wide as saucers. She gripped his shoulders and shook him hard. "It'll do for ne-"

"Relax, Laura, I'm just joking," said Natsu, ever the blokehead. "And take your hands off me-"

"IT'S NOT LAURA! How long have I been here? Half a year. AND YOU STILL CAN'T REMEMBER IT!" screeched Lucy furiously, whose hands were now trying to throttle the oh-so dense salmon haired boy.

"Relax Lucy…" said Lisanna, trying to disentangle Lucy's hands from Natsu's throat.

"HAHAHAHA~!" It was Gray roaring his ass off.

"What're you howling like a hyena for, stupid?" roared Natsu.

"Speak for yourself, flame brain! Your brains are worse than an ostrich if you can't see that a girl likes you!" Gray snuck a suggestive grin at Lucy, who was currently in panic mode, flushing ten shades of scarlet and making all kinds of gestures. "Gray, I'm gonna kill you when all this is over…" she thought, breaking out into a cold sweat.

"What the heck are you talking about, icicle! You wanna fight?" roared Natsu.

"A real man fights with his fists! Go, Natsu!" yelled Elfman encouragingly.

"DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!" Mirajane and Lisanna screamed at their simpleton brother who had manliness on the brain.

"Well then, that shows you're a MORON!" Gray cracked his knuckles.

"Did you just get brain freeze, IDIOT?" yelled Natsu, banging his forehead against Gray's and getting all worked up.

"I bet your brains just burned to charcoal IMBECILE!" Gray banged his back.

Lucy sighed with relief that THAT certain subject had been eluded while Levy and Lisanna looked at her suspiciously.

"Well, you PE-" "GUYS!" Titania Erza thundered once again. "_What _did I say about fighting?"

"We-we w-weren't fighting right Natsu? We're just having a shouting contest!" stammered Gray as he and Natsu grinned nervously with arms slung over each other. It was Operation Fake Buddy Mode again…

"A-Aye!" Lucy slapped her forehead. "Why is it that he always sounds like Happy..?" She glanced over at Happy who was sitting solitarily and still sadly disheartened with a dark blue aura.

A small smile crept onto Erza's lips. "Just as I thought." Natsu and Gray did a silent cheer of joy while the entire Guild sweatdropped.

"What kind of moron would assume that?" Lucy wondered and looked over at Levy. The two exchanged glances.

"How about you two use your wits against each other? As in, see who's the smarter? It would be a change from using your fists, since you two obviously can't sit still together," Erza remarked calmly, raising an eyebrow suggestively.

"Okay so she isn't such a moron after all," Lucy thought as she and Levy exchanged glances again. "That sounds like a great idea!" chirped Lucy enthusiastically. "Though I really wonder which one of them has a bigger brain capacity," she whispered to Levy, who nodded, giggling. The rest of the Guild watched on with great amusement.

"This is going to be one hell of a show," commented Wakaba while Macao and Reedus leaned forward excitedly. Old men get bored, you know…

"All right! Yosh!" yelled Natsu, ever the excited one.

"I bet I can beat you good and proper at this," Gray said, smirking. "Considering how SMALL your brain is!"

"Ha! That depends what "small" is in your terminology!" The entire Guild gasped with shock. Others gaped like goldfish. Even Gajeel's eyes widened for a second before he went back to crunching metal. It was so quiet that you could have heard a pin drop.

"W-What's wrong with you people..?" A very baffled Natsu.

"OH MY GOD NATSU! You used a tough word with FIVE syllables!" Both Lucy and Lisanna shrieked, Lucy nearly falling off her stool with shock. A few people swooned with shock. One unfortunate guild member had an asthma attack.

"Call the ambulance someone…!"

"Wendy, what do we do?" A few panicked people asked. Wendy was silent, then…

"The sky is falling!"shrieked the young Sky Dragon Slayer. And ran round and round Natsu with a very dazed look while Carla chased after her, sweating. Then bonked his head hard. "This ought to make him better!" Wendy panted while Carla blacked out from dizziness. A Babel of noise erupted. Natsu was taken aback at the pandemonium. "I'd better not use any problematical words anymore then… AH! Mistake no.2."

"Who'd have thought of it?"

"It'd make headlines!"

"The world's turning upside down!"

"Soon Gray would be lecturing us on the theory of atoms!"

"And Levy would go stupid!"

"HEY!" A very offended Levy.

"Notify the Weekly Sorcerer at once!"

"No, the Fiore Times!"

"Natsu is finally growing up…"

"Do you think the countries of Luvina, Eir and Aslan should be notified too..?"

"NO! They'd laugh themselves silly! Wait until he's become as smart as a scholar!"

Everyone was soon busy discussing this phenomenon except for one person, Juvia. She had not even noticed anything peculiar because, well…her thoughts had mainly consisted of Gray-sama's amazing body, Gray-sama's kindness, Gray-sama 101…

Gray regained his composure quickly after the initial shock of his rival's sudden stroke of genius.

"URUSAI!" He bellowed above the din. Silence fell at once. Erza felt a little ashamed at being unable to keep the usual order in the Guild as usual.

"Hmn… Gray can actually summon everyone's attention to himself in silence…that's an improvement…except he's still far too boisterous." Master Makarov mused.

"Why the heck are we discussing this idiot's intellectual (another chorus of gasps) improvement anyway? Waste of time! We're supposed to be insulting each other!("Yeah…"everyone muttered.) Anyway petrol-eater, I'm shocked," Gray turned to Natsu and smirked. A spout of blood erupted from Juvia's nose since she got the full glare of it too. "Your brain must have grown by an inch in diameter! Congratulations! Let's see if you can work out how long that is!" He uttered sarcastically.

"An inch is…hmm...ha..."Natsu scratched his head while pondering it. Gray sweated.

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY! You're supposed to insult me back!" Gray bawled.

"…Right. Umm… let me think…" Everyone shook their heads in despair. "Can it actually take so long just to think of an insult?" A few people muttered.

"Aha! If your face had WELCOME printed on it, it'd be the perfect doormat! Not that it'd make much difference anyway," said Natsu, ecstatic he'd managed to think of something.

"Oooh…"everyone cooed with interest. "So they're going to insult each other's faces…?"Erza murmured. A ghost of a smile formed. "Interesting…"

"Why don't you get Happy a new scratching post instead of your face, it's pretty messed up!" Gray smirked at his rival's fury.

"…What..?" A question mark formed above Happy's head. "I don't use Natsu's face for a scratching post, I use Lucy's sidetable!"

"WHAAAAT?" screeched the Celestial Spirit Mage. "You never told me that!"

At least the blue feline in question had aroused from his misery.

"Well…I figured you would be angry with me…"

"WHY YOU LITTLE-"

"SHUT UP!" The pair of opponents screeched.

Lucy quietened down with a cranky scowl. "I'll deal with you later, Happy…"

"I don't know where you bought your face, but I hope your warranty is still valid. That is, if you still have your receipt." A few giggles bubbled from a few people. Natsu obviously could use his brains if he wanted to.

"Hey Gray, you're getting your ass handed to you!" shouted Jet.

"Go Natsu-nii!" cheered Romeo.

"Your face is like your mind Natsu." Gray paused for emphasis. "It's totally BLANK."

"What a pity your face's still frozen," drawled Natsu. "Cos' it's still preserved in its natural UGLINESS."

Lucy couldn't help but snort as she clutched to Levy who was nearly bursting (like the rest of the Guild) at trying not to laugh as it would obviously interrupt the pantomime in front of them. It was absolutely comic.

"Your face is very becoming," Gray sneered. "It's becoming more and more UGLY every time I look at it." Lucy was nearly hysterical with (not!) laughing. Even Erza was smiling broadly.

"You know what a mirror and I have in common Gray?" Natsu, like Gray paused for emphasis. "We both CRACK UP when we see your face."

"You're so ugly, a wasp has to shut its eyes when it stings you," Gray retorted.

"You're so ugly, every time a girl passes by you in the street, she sighs with relief," Natsu shot back. For a moment Gray wondered if THAT was possible.

Unfortunately, when Gray was pondering about that, Natsu shot another one at him. "What a pity you haven't got a beard, it would have hidden some of your fearful ugliness." Natsu smirked, satisfied he had one over Gray.

"Grrr," Gray growled with frustration. "Think, think…" he muttered.

"Your pretty pink girly hair really is a terrible contrast with your sheer ugly face. You look like a girl gone wrong," Gray's grin stretched from ear to ear. "Ha! A double-bladed insult!" He thought cockily.

Natsu thought for a while before saying, "In fact, I don't understand why Juvia likes you!"

"Well I don't understand why L-" Suddenly realizing what he was about to say, he quickly lapped his hand over his mouth. "Me and my big mouth," he mused silently. He gulped and glanced furtively at the approaching terror. "Uh-oh…"he murmured.

"GRAY! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

A whip cracked accompanied by agonised screams of pain.

"…So does this mean I win…?"

"It's a foul, Natsu…*sweat* Hey, stop the lady, someone!"

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><p>AN: I don't really know what I originally intended, meh… it just kinda wrote itself! Anyway, review please! ^_^ Just a minute of your time won't hurt. Criticism's fine with me! Even one word (OK) will do! REVIEW!

All: *groan* This woman makes us work so hard…

Dryad-chan: *sweat*


End file.
